


elegy for concepts conceived in deep sleep

by TEARSoverBEERS



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: EVERYTHING IS ONESIDED BUT THE TAGS DIDN'T WORK, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Necrophilia, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Intersex Characteristics (on aliens), M/M, Manipulation, Mpreg, ONLY EVERYONE CAN JUDGE ME, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-01 16:52:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10926024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TEARSoverBEERS/pseuds/TEARSoverBEERS
Summary: A spin off from the 3rd Chapter of Privately Owned Spiral Galaxy by Al_D_Baran based on a disturbing dream I had.Honestly? This is almost a happy ending. Almost.





	1. Lance

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Privately Owned Spiral Galaxy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10857774) by [Al_D_Baran](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Al_D_Baran/pseuds/Al_D_Baran). 



> This is really just me writing out a way too vivid dream I had after reading part of [Privately Owned Spiral Galaxy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10857774) by Al_D_Baran, which I got permission (encouragement?) to write.
> 
> It is very heavily based on that fic and counts as a spin off after the 3rd chapter, and I would suggest you read that first. Notice that the original fic have very dark themes that will be referenced more than shown in this fic. There is also references to another of their dark fics.

__**I know I'm dead from the roots, I'm last seasons bloom  
** **I have nothing else to offer you  
** \- The Act of Holding On and Letting Go (Flatsound)

**  
**  
****  


The people that win the wars will write and rewrite the history books. In the end, no matter your importance, you will never be known as more than what the people in power thought you were. Lance wonders; will he be known as an ally - someone that turned from the bad side to the good and brought the Empire the key to victory - or will he be known as the modern Judas, the traitor that stuck a rusty knife in the back of the universes greatest hope for peace? 

Maybe he won't be remembered at all. That's his favourite option. 

\------------

He had done something unforgiving. He had done something terrible back when he tricked his fellow paladins (his friends?) into a trap, into the hands of the Galra. The haunted look in Shiro's eyes as he realized he was to be brought back to the gladiator ring, the fiery hate in Keith as he tried to kick and claw out of his restraints. The look they shared, the one that said “it's going to be okay, I'm here, it's going to be fine as long as we're together.”

Lance had never been the receptive party of a look like that. He had been the one to give it, a couple of times, he thinks – but no one had ever seen Lance and thought “as long as you're safe, as long as you're here, I will gladly go through hell.”  
Fittingly enough, a personalized hell is probably exactly what Lance's actions had cursed them with. And he was one of the demons poking his burning stakes into their flesh and letting them bleed out over and over again. He had given up all pretense of being someone capable of being good for anyone.  
Lotor had treated him as if he was, for a little while. For a little while, he had felt like maybe someone could see a potential in him that he couldn't yet, could see someone worthy of being loved. And he had relented in it, in the gentle words and praise. He followed the soft touches when they pulled away. He would have done anything to keep those eyes on him, keep him proud of him.

And he did.

But instead of the warm love he'd been looking for, he was met with a scorching cold. Thrown into a cage and locked up with little food and only just enough water to survive, an ordinary prisoner of no value or use for anything, as his team mates was taken and forced into their new roles.

He never loved Lotor, that wasn't it. But for a second, he had believed, maybe, that Lotor loved him. And it's still hard to not chase that feeling again, when Lotor tells him he is being good. Because someone looking at him and seeing someone that could make their world a little better just by being in it, well, that's all he ever wanted.

And maybe he had wanted that person to be Keith, since that time in the garrison he first saw him fly and his heart had beaten a little bit louder in his chest. Maybe his rejection, though never outright, hurt him deeper than he'd like to admit. How choosing someone Lance had always looked up to, idolized, was just another reminder of how he wasn't good enough. Just a fifth wheel; an unnecessary part they could do just as well without while he couldn't stand upright without their help. He couldn't even find it in himself to be angry about it – who would have ever chosen differently?  
(Well if he wasn't at all upset, he really did have the worst way of showing it.)

Lance was weak, and naive. He couldn't help it - he was probably just made that way, meant to be a destructive force in the life of everyone he encountered. Lotor had known it when he tried to help Lance overcome it, but it was never enough. He had believed the words Lotor whispered in his ear, despite deep down knowing it couldn't be true, because he was so desperate for them to be real. And now he had taken it one step further, pushed an already taunt line until it burst and could never be mended.

He had raped Keith. They might have whispered that it was what he needed, that he'd get sick without it. That he was just helping – doing him a favor.  
But as soon as his eyes had cleared the spell was broken. He had always liked and admired the fire Keith's eyes could radiate. But the hate he had aimed at Lance when he came to his senses was boiling the skin right of his flesh. He would never, as long as Keith was alive, going to be forgiven for what he had done.  
Just another reminder that Lance deserved every second of his misery.

He had tried. Kept trying to please Lotor, do anything he asked (it's not like he could sink any lower on the ladder of scum anyway). The more it hurt, the more he required it. Lotor was catching on, he could tell. At first he seemed to enjoy the tears, the screams. Now he looks like he is getting frustrated with his toy no longer working as it should. He doubt he will be kept alive for much longer. Lotor wasn't known for wasting time or necessities on things that wasn't giving him something in return. All he wonder is how it will happen. They are on Lotor's hidden base somewhere in the Messier 64 galaxy, the solar system of lucturtaros, close to the moon of planet 3cc. He knows, because no one even cared to hide this information from him as they talked. It's not like he could use it for something. Keith maybe, or Shiro probably could figure out a way to use it to their advantage, but not him. Maybe they would throw him in the gladiators cage – let his old team mate torture him for as long as he deserved before striking him down. Maybe they would just throw him out into space where they didn't have to deal with a body, just let the vacuum expand his lungs inside his body until they exploded.  


  
It's a small comfort, when he sees Shiro, fighting for his life once again, slaughtering everyone in front of him – innocent people and crying children – and Keith - so drugged he is barely awake, pliant as he is tugged at and groped by galra commanders that just laugh at the dark bruises they leave on his skin – that they will at least know he died a gruesome, anonymous death.


	2. Pidge

 

 

 

_**'Cause when the villains fall, the kingdoms never weep**  
\- “Requiem", Dear Evan Hansen _

 

 

 

 

Pidge is tired. She is always tired nowadays.  
She found a grey hair a couple of days ago – back on earth, she isn't even legally an adult yet. In the deep vastness of space, the fate of the universe won't wait for anyone.  
Since Shiro, Lance and Keith was taken things have been different. Missions have not been harder in theory, she is pretty sure. But there is a sluggishness to everyone that wasn't there before. A moroseness. An unspoken doubt.

Rescued prisoners have told them that rumor has it Shiro was kept alive as an gladiator, but each day without a new word is another day that might have changed. No one knows about Lance or Keith or where they are kept. It seems to be a well guarded secret that only the top ranking Galra officers are allowed to take part of, and they are more likely to blow themselves up than give them any information. (Literally. They've tried more than once.)

Matt is back with her, and she is happy for that. He, too, is different – a little leaner, a little more serious. Constantly squinting from years without the glasses he very rightfully needed. Hunk is quieter, spends more time alone in his quarters building and tinkering with things she rarely get to see. Oddly, he seemed to be the first one to come to terms with the weight of what they are shouldering.

The forming of Voltron isn't as easy as it used to be, and they are all too aware that the emergency distribution of the lions they came up with is far from a good fit. It works, but only barely. There is something like a chafe in the back of her skull, and she knows the other can feel it too.

Suddenly the speakers crack, startling her.  
_“EVERYONE. COME TO THE BRIDGE IMMEDIATELY.”_ It clicks off again, and she is on her way before she even have had time to comprehend the message - years of repetitive behaviors morphed into instinctual reaction. Allura had sounded frightened.

She looks frightened too as they all arrive almost simultaneously, although she is trying very hard not to show it. Coran is standing back, allowing her to speak

“We have received a video file from Prince Lotor.” Everyone startles, looking around at each other. Hunk is the one to voice what everyone is thinking.  
“Do they know where we are!?”  
“No, it doesn't seem like it. They are distributing it via all galran ships, including those left on former colonies, like some kind of streaming pod. We are not the only ones with access, but it is referred to us.” Pidge relaxes, but only barely.  
“Is there any way this can be a trap?” Allura looks a little uncertain now, playing with her fingers and eyes flickering over the control panel connected to the hologram screen. Coran steps forward to answer in her stead.  
“I doubt it, though it's not impossible. It could be a virus of some sort or a tracking device. But since they have no control over who watches the file, it would seem like the risk of it hitting back is pretty great if they did something like that.” Pidge hums quietly, assessing the information.  
“I could probably make a scanner of some sort to check the video out for any kind of dangerous malware. It shouldn't take long. Then we can feel a bit safer and wouldn't miss out on something important because we were being paranoid.”  
At this Allura smiles fondly.  
“Thank you, Pidge. I believe that would be for the best.”  
“No problem. Give me 5 dobashes.”

__\----------_ _

**  
** [[rec]]  
  
_* A young man is in front of the camera, eyes pointed to the floor. His skin is a sickly grey shade of brown and his long hair is oily and messy. *_

_**“Why, don't look so depressive dear. Why don't you say hi to your friends?”** _

_* The man flinches and stares wide eyed right into the camera *_

 

There is a gasp echoing through the bridge.  
“Lance...”  
Pidge isn't even sure who said it, it might as well has been her. It's true. He is thinner than ever, his hair is long and he looks so weak and scared she get the feeling he might topple over from a single gust of wind. But his eyes... It's Lance and he's alive.

 

_* Lance turns his head to the side, his shoulders falling *_

_**“How rude, is this how you greet your fellow paladins after so long? You should say hello at least.”** _

_* Lance's brows furrow, he looks like he is going to be sick. He licks his lips and turn back to face them. His eyes are squinty and he is blinking rapidly, like there is a harsh light coming from the camera. He opens his mouth slowly. *_

**”Hello.”** **  
**

Pidge's breath catches. He still sounds the same. Everyone is frozen, staring at the screen.

 

 **_“See, that's better. You haven't been a very good pet lately, have you?”_ **  
**_“No.”_ **  
**_“No, that's right. Isn't that sad? You used to be such a good boy, Lance.”_ **

_* Lance freezes on the screen. Then he takes a deep breath, looks a little bit to the side. There are tears in his eyes. The blinking gives them more power, running down his cheeks.*_

_“ **Hm, now what would the red paladin and the champion think if they saw you right now, feeling sorry for yourself like this. After what you did to them.”**_

Hunk twist towards her.  
“Did you hear that!?” Pidge can't take her eyes of the screen.  
“They're alive...”

 

_* The camera moves out, showing his entire body kneeling in front of a throne-like chair. He isn't chained to anything, but he makes no attempt to move. There is a faraway look in his eyes, like he isn't really present anymore. Lotor moves from behind the camera to Lance, his fingers tracing the shape of Lances jawbone as he walks by. He is dressed in something that doesn't look at all like the normal galra military uniform they always see. There is something almost endearingly unprofessional about the whole thing, like this really is just a home video like any other. Lotor sits down on the throne chair, and first now you can see his face. He looks amused. He pets Lance's hair, like he's petting a dog.* ****_

**“You understand what happens to uncontrollable pets, don't you.”  
** **“Yes.”**  
 **“But don't worry, you can still be useful once more. Just not like you are right now, of course. Wouldn't you want that? To be good for me one last time?”**  
 **“... Yes.”**  
 **“Yes what?”**  
 **“I want to be good... For you.”**  
“That's all I wanted to hear. Now please make sure to give your team a big smile to remember you by, won't you?”

_* Lance doesn't smile. Lotor doesn't seem to care. *_

Pidge's eyes widen, pulse starting to race. Something is very very wrong here. The people around her is noticing too, worried glances thrown to each other.  
“Wait, What is goi-”

 

_* The sword appears from off screen, moving over Lance until the cold steel touch the naked skin of his neck. Lance's eyes widen in realization for a moment and the sword hastily rise- *_

 

Coran have ran up to the screen and closed it. Allura is standing right by him. She is breathing heavily, trembling. Everyone is frozen in shock after what they just saw.

“Lance...” Hunk sounds fragile, close to breaking. “He... They...”  
“Why... Why did they send us this?” Pidge's voice is gravely and thick and her eyes are blurring, despite how many times she tries to blink it away. It seems her cheeks have gotten wet. Her brother stands closer to her but doesn't make any move to touch or even look at her, still staring at the place where the screen had been.  
“They are infinitely cruel.”

___ _

\----------

 

The video is burned into the back of her eyes wherever she looks now. She can see the haunted look in Hunk and Allura's eyes and know they're the same. Coran in an impressive show of strength manages to keep going as usual, trying to cheer everyone else up with little jokes and stories. (She wonders how healthy it is, to be pushing it down for their sake like he does. He have lost much more than them.)  
Matt spends his time training to avoid talking about it. He is colder than he used to be. The brother she used to know would have broken down crying after a video like that, but the one she got back have built a wall around himself that not even she can get past completely.

 

\----------

 

She is already regretting what she is about to do, as she sneaks onto the bridge with an external driver in her hand. But she can't go on like this, she have to know if there is something there in the video Lance tried to tell them, if her gut feeling was right. She plugs it in and find and downloads the videofile to her driver with no issues. Then she plugs it out and hold it close to her body until she is back in her bedroom. She feels the weight of it in her hands the entire time, like she is carrying a body.

 

\-----------

 

 _\- How rude, is this how you greet your fellow paladins after so long? You should say hello at least._  
_\- Hello._

Seeing Lance's face again, she feels the tears starting to well up. Fuck. She thought she could do this. Stupid, stupid dumb idiot Lance with his big mouth. And his fucked up blue eyes with a light sensitive condition or something. He keeps blinking. _Why is he blinking_. What is he trying to reference to.

She watches the film until the sword appears, and quickly start over. She repeats until her eyes are too blurry to see what is happening on the screen, and she looks away to wipe her eyes on her arm.  
She hear the sound of a blade hitting bone, and almost throw up right then and there. She have to take ten minutes to just stabilize her breathing, she can't make herself look back to the screen. As she calms down a little she starts to hear there is some subtle groaning and moans still coming from her videoplayer, and suddenly she is too horrified of the implications to not look back.  
At first she doesn't understand what she is seeing. The angles are too sharp, the colours too bright. The camera is no longer standing on the floor but held by someone with shaky hands. Then she connects the motions, the colours to what she know had just happened and have to throw herself off the bed and into the bathroom, barely making it to the sink before she is spilling her guts. She throw up over and over until she is shaking and weak and her throat is bloody. Then she just stand there, heaving for several minutes while her sweaty warm body starts to cool down and she is shivering with the cold. She lays down and rest her head on the floor. She is freezing and sore and her body is still jerking with sobs, but there is no tears left to shed. She starts counting the seconds in her head between each sob, see how they are slowly getting fewer until she have reached 534 and consider her breathing normal again. She doesn't want to think about what she had just seen, but she doubt she'll ever not have the picture of Lotor violating Lance's already dead body playing behind her eyes again.  
She have to start counting once more. One, Two, Three...

Wait.

Her legs are shaking, but her heart is beating rapidly in her chest as she forces herself to stand, walking back to her bed where she left the tablet. She pulls herself together with the intensity of a scientist with a theory and a goal, and restart the video.

She counts the seconds between each blink. It's not a random rhythm to it, as she thought. There is a pattern – it's a _code_.

 

\-----------------------

 

“Hunk! Hunk!” She pounds her fists on the door when it doesn't immediately open for her. “Hunk, this is important!”  
Hunk's door slides open to show him standing in his pajama, hair messy and eyelids heavy.  
“What's going on..?”  
“Do you know morse?”  
“Like the code..?”  
“Yeah. Do you know it?”  
“I mean, maybe some of it. We did have a class on it back in the first year of the garrison about emergency situations and such. Why?”  
“I think Lance tried to send us a message.”  
“What?” He looks awake now, and a little bit scared. “Why do you think that?”  
“Look at this!” She holds up the pad she's been writing on. “Crosses for quick blinks, O's for blinks longer than one second. There's a pattern!” Hunk stares at the pad, taking it from her hands to inspect it closer. He seems thoughtful as he run his fingers over the patterns.  
“This actually does look a bit like morse code.You might be on to something...” Instead of giving her the pad back, he turns and starts into a jog down the hallway and around the corner, leaving her floundering and yelling after him before taking up the chase. He eventually comes to stop outside the gym, lights still on inside.  
“Matt! Do you know morse code?” She arrives just in time to see her brother wipe sweat of his forehead with his lower arm and gives herself a moment of mundanity to grimace. Ew.  
“Yeah sure, why?”  
“You do!?”  
“Yeah, they even had classes on it in the garrison? You didn't have them?” Pidge doesn't answer, instead she shoves the pad, still in Hunk's hands, under her brothers nose.  
“Crosses for quick blinks, circles for long ones.” He tilts his head and squint trying to read it better before accepting it into his own hands, looking it over.  
“Yikes Katie, that's not how you write out morse code...”  
“Can you translate it or not?”  
“Just give me a moment, I'll need to write this down in the classic way. Where did you get this? What is it?”  
“I counted the seconds in the video of Lance and realized his blinking followed a pattern-”  
“Lance..? Did you watch more of the video!?” He looks angry at her, and a stray thought appears wondering if he had seen the full video too before she pushes it out of the way.  
“Yes, but that's not important right now. He tried to tell us something!” Matt doesn't look pleased, but relents as he appears to come to the same conclusion.  
“We're coming back to that topic later, but yes ok, let's see here...”  
Matt starts scribbling, face morphing into one of absolute concentration. Pidge feels her heart kicking in her chest, the sound filling up her head. What if she is wrong about this. She couldn't take it if she had got her hope up like this just to...  
His pen stop moving and he stares at what he have written so far. _Messier 64_.  
“I... I might be speaking way too soon here, but I think this might be directions?”  
“Directions? To where?” Hunk seems hesitant, but Pidge feels like she is going to explode of relief. There was a message. She was right.  
“To where to find them, maybe?”  
“What if this is the trap?” Hunk still appears as if he find the whole thing just a little too convenient. Matt looks doubtful, but also like he doesn't really want to get his hopes up either.  
“Morse code is based on our alphabet. Even if they did understand that there was a code - and I'm pretty sure they didn't considering the video didn't exactly look like it had been run through any official screenings – there is pretty much no way they could have intercepted it.”  
The room grows silent, as Matt continues to slowly translate the meaning, letter by letter.  
“So what are we doing now?” Hunk asks quietly. Matt answers, but he doesn't seem very sure either.  
“We gotta show Allura and Coran. And then...” Pidge drags a breath into her lungs. They finally have a clue, there is no time for hesitation anymore. “We'll have to figure out how to get Shiro and Keith back.”


	3. Shiro

 

**And why is everything like that so concrete  
When that's the same stuff under your feet  
That connects where you're standing to a place you'd rather be **  
-**** Voices Echo Down Thee Halls (Nana Grizol)

 

He barely remember being rescued. He is exhausted and hurt from several hits against his head earlier in the day when they come get him, and afterwards it's like trying to remember a dream. The wall caves in, ripped apart like it was made of paper. Then the head of a lion – he's not even sure which one, but he's pretty sure Pidge was in it so his bet is on Green – and they scream for him to get in, he's the last one, they have to get out of here as quick as possible. He does manage to scramble inside, somehow (Or maybe someone helped him? Was there someone with him?) And he remembers realizing that they have formed Voltron, and wondering how it's possible. And then it's all black, until he wakes up in the castle – a little more lucid, no less exhausted. He is told everyone is safe, everyone is given medical attention, and then he is more or less force fed some goo when he is too tired to even lift the spoon. Sometime during this they must realize it is pointless, because next he knows he is in a bed. A real bed, with a comfortable mattress and a pillow. He is out cold as soon as he lies down.

\------------

When Lance had asked him and Keith to go with him to check a new distress signal at a planet he had just been at they had trusted him, of course they had, even though there was something obviously off about the place and their sudden request for help.  
When they were attacked by the Galra, Shiro had fought in front to keep the others away from harm. (The taser hitting him in the small of his back was not something he saw coming.)

\------------

Shiro didn't like to think his relationship with Lance had been bad. They had their ups and downs as everyone do, but he thought they had been _at least_ friends. With only so many people in the castle, any tension could quickly grow overwhelming. Lance was one of few lights in the darkness that was being stuck in the middle of a space war, millions of light years away from home. They had made a family out of each other. Lance with his bad jokes that only sometimes was a bit distasteful (they had gotten better), and his smile that could infect anyone until they also felt like smiling, with a heart larger than the stars. Lance who was one of the bravest people that Shiro had ever met despite barely being out of his teens, who always had been the number one believer of the expression 'fake it til you make it', who hid his real self behind a facade to avoid getting hurt and only let it through when he felt truly safe with you. (Lance, whom Shiro had fallen as hard and as easily for as an icy set of stairs.) Shiro had thought Lance had trusted him after all they had all been through.

But he could hear the words the galra whispered, what they told him. How he was nothing to his team, but he was so important to _them_. It was all lies, Shiro wanted to scream, but there was already something stopping him from making any sound.

And the thing Shiro can't forgive himself for is that he have no idea when it started - he have no idea when Lance started believing that the team didn't consider him a crucial part of them. It was always surprising how deceptive Lance could be, because his greatest act was that of pretending there wasn't an act in the first place. Some things Lance kept well hidden – other things he wore on his sleeve like open wounds, with no seeming differentiation between what got put in which category.

Shiro knew Lance loved someone who he didn't believe loved him back. He had confessed as much in a frail moment, the two of them side by side in the lilac grass of a new planet. There had been a celebration, a festival of Love happening at the time. (He had been stupid and selfish to get his hopes up.) Lance never told him who it was, but he easily confirmed it wasn't him (like it'd been obvious he wasn't even a contender) – dark ocean blue eyes reflecting stars and fireworks - telling Shiro how he had been like a father figure to him ever since they left earth, maybe even before that in his fantasies. It was supposed to be an emotional confession of deep fondness and respect, Shiro could tell. Lance had been scared of his feelings being rejected and shunned.  
Instead; Shiro was the one left with a broken heart.

So maybe he had closed off from Lance, a little bit. Maybe in his attempt to get over his own inappropriate feelings, he had accidentally played right into Lotor's hands.  
When Keith had confessed to him, he hadn't known what to do. He had taken Keith under his wing the moment he met him years ago – the boy had had no one else. Keith could fly a plane like it was second nature to him but couldn't figure out how to trust another person. With a lot of time and patience Shiro had managed to pick apart and take down the bricks he had put up between himself and the world. The fact that Keith dared confessing his feelings was such a big thing for him, for the boy who had once arrived at the Garrison with scratched up knuckles and blood in his mouth.

So Shiro had said yes. Not because he had shared his feelings, but not because he pitied him either. He had been heartbroken, sure, and he didn't want Keith to feel like that. But he had always had a rational mind before an emotional one and that wasn't the reason; he truly thought that maybe with time he either could learn to love Keith as he learned to not love Lance, or at least they both could realize they wasn't a good match up and mutually break it off.  
The problem was that neither of those things happened. They _were_ a good match – they were comfortable with each other, trusted each other to the end of the earth and shared a lot of common interests and world views. And Shiro did come to love Keith – just not in the way Keith loved Shiro. (Not in the way he had fallen for Lance.)  
Intimacy was fine mostly – Keith wasn't big on PDA, and kissing was simple, chaste. No worse than the tipsy make outs with friends he had had back in high school. It was when it started getting heavier he knew his heart wasn't in it. Shiro probably talked his way out of going further with increasingly ridiculous excuses 20 times before he finally relented. Not to _Keith_ , because while far from patient he always respected Shiro's boundaries. Shiro relented to his smarter self, to the part that knew that being forever stuck on someone that would never like you back was a cruel way to live. So he threw himself into their relationship, made sure to be the best and most loving boyfriend he could be. He didn't like to think of it as stringing Keith along, because he truly did want to love him back. (His heart just didn't care about sound reasoning.)

\------------

Shiro is thrown back into the ring. Keith is taken somewhere much, much worse. Lance... Shiro isn't sure where Lance is, or what they have done to him. He've seen him a couple times in the stands, with Lotor, and he looks bad. Like a ghost. Hollowed out and empty of all the things Shiro had loved about him, all the things that made him Lance. The Lance in the stands are just a shell, and it breaks his heart.  
Shiro takes every caution and measurement he can to make sure at least Keith is okay – or at least, as okay as he can be. Had he been alone now he don't think he would have had the strength to keep fighting like he had been. It's taxing both physically and mentally to each day have to play a deadly theater and break, maim and slash at whoever was in front of him until a living being were nothing more than an unrecognizable carcass – just to assure his own survival. There won't be an end to it until he is the one that drops to the floor in a gory death, with the background noise of hundreds of Galra cheering.  
But when he finally sees Keith again, how devastated and lost he looks, he realize that he can't stop fighting. Because that would mean Keith would give up too. So he comforts him and tell him everything will be fine, holds him and gives him whatever he can to make it just a little easier. He makes it his goal to survive now, because Keith doesn't deserve being left alone in this place. Keith is already so alone in the world.

Shiro wishes he could go back in time, tell Lance how important he was to the team, to himself. Maybe this could have been prevented if he had just been brave enough to tell him about his feelings, let him know he was loved. Instead he have to deal with the consequences of his inaction and try to patch up the wounds as well as he can, hoping to survive long enough to make up for the words he never said.

\------------

Keith run as quick as his weakened legs can carry him, throwing himself at Shiro. Shiro hugs him back as tight and close as he dares. Keith is _okay_. He looks so different from what he had done before, weak and soft where he used to be all hard edges and lean muscle. His hair is cut shorter, more like he had looked years ago when they first met. Then there is the outward curve of his abdomen, making Shiro's throat tight. There was no mistaking for anyone what worth Lotor had found in catching Keith alive.

He goes with Keith to the dinner room where they expect the rest of the team to be eating breakfast. Keith never once lets go of him, and he holds onto Keith's waist to steady him in turn.  
Everyone jumps out of their chairs as soon as they arrive, throwing themselves at them in a repeat of Keith's earlier hug. It's not until he have given everyone an equally warm greeting, laughing and crying all around, he notices there is one person missing in their would-be 8 person group.

“Where is Lance?”

Keith tense up like he's turning into stone. Everyone else's mouths drop open. Was he supposed to know? Maybe he had forgotten something during his black out. Maybe they had put him in a cryocell. If they all knew he helped the Galra catch them, it made sense Allura would not to welcome him back with open arms. It wasn't Lance's fault, not really, but it would take time before they could probably undo the wiring Lotor had done to Lance's brain. He needed to know what Lotor had said about his team wasn't true.

Pidge finally responds with uncharacteristic caution.  
“Lance is dead, Shiro. Lotor killed him weeks ago.”

Had his world been made of glass, this was the exact moment the cracks would have given in for the pressure and come falling down. _Is he still dreaming? He suddenly isn't sure what's real or not._  
“What?” That couldn't be true, it must be a bad joke. Lance was the one of them that had been in the galras favor. He had been sitting with Lotor whenever Shiro had seen him, never fighting. “But... You said everyone was safe?” The others look at each other, Allura stepping forward and taking over explaining.  
“He encrypted the directions to your location into his videotaped execution.We all... We all saw it. He was never a part of the mission.”  
“But you must be able to do something to help him! The healing pod?”  
“I'm sorry Shiro. The healing pods are amazing, but not even them can heal a severed head. Not to mention, we don't even know where his body _is_.”  
Shiro feels like something went wrong. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be back with everyone, why... Why is the nightmare still going? He backs out of the room the way he came and run. He think people might be calling after him, but he can't hear the words they're saying. This isn't what was supposed to happen.

He finds himself checking every room in the castle, every crook where someone could stay hidden. He runs until his lungs burn from the exhaustion (barely recovered from the last time he had to fight for his life, still haven't eaten) and then he keeps running. It's not until he stumble and physically fall over he find his way back to an unused bedroom, accepting his need for rest as he lets himself fall onto the bed. And still then, he can't really get their words into his head. How could Lance possibly be dead? Lance was more filled with life than any of them.

He can hear the sliding doors open, but he is too tired to turn around to look who it is. He feels the space behind him dip down as someone sit down on the bed, and then suddenly he is being held like they are spooning and there is warm breaths heating up the back of his neck.

“Why did you ask about Lance?” Keith's question sounds devoid of emotion, carefully guarded. Shiro don't know what to say.  
“He... He thought we hated him. He thought he wasn't wanted here.”  
“And he _sold us out_.” Shiro think he can feel the hint of fangs on his neck, the words spoken with so much disgust it makes him shiver. His tone of voice is frighteningly close to a growl. “He let us be given away and treated like property. Then he sat silent for months and watched as we were played with like dolls. He even-” Keith's arms around him tightens their grip. “He knew exactly where we were, and not until he was literally dying did he try to send for help.”  
Shiro doesn't have the presence of mind to argue. Keith isn't wrong, but Shiro knew there had to have been more nuances to it than that. Lance wasn't evil, he had been just as tricked into the situation as the both of them. The air around them grows silent as they lie close together, but Shiro's heart is still beating like a drum inside his head.

\------------

Keith asks to see the video. Shiro can't bring himself to watch – instead he tries to make out the look on Keith's face from across the room. For he first time ever while looking at Keith, he feels _scared_ at what he sees.  
When Keith gets angry he explodes, becomes a brightly burning fire of scorching heat and mindless destruction. It's nothing either new nor well hidden.  
Today, he was cold. Like inside a snowstorm, ice ripping at your flesh from all directions and slowly tearing you open until your blood froze solid inside your body. There was no mercy left in this eyes.

Shiro leaves the room the moment he can see the hint of a smile.

\------------

Coran forces Keith to the medical bay to run some tests, making sure his body is coping like it should be with his pregnancy. Keith hates to so much as look down at his belly. He seems dysphoric and stressed out, really just preferring if they could get rid of it as soon as possible. Shiro comes with, because Keith grabs his hand and begs him to. It's no wonder he doesn't much enjoy medical settings after what Lotor put him through.

“Okay paladins, I'm gonna be frank here. You have almost gone full term. It'd take a full surgery to terminate this pregnancy, competency we don't have here, and even then to be honest we're not talking about a clump of cells. This is an almost fully developed _baby_ that just might even survive outside of the womb already. You'd have to actively _kill it_ after taking it out if you wanted to truly get rid of it.” Shiro pales and turns to look at Keith, who looks affronted.  
“I'm not going to kill a baby!” Coran nods, visibly relieved. “Infant Murder” probably wouldn't look that good on Voltron's resume. But Shiro have to swallow down a lump in his throat, glancing over at Keith.  
“But that also means...” Keith looks vulnerable and he sighs.  
“Well I... I'm not saying I like it or that I want anything to do with this child as soon as it's out of me, but... It deserves a chance to live and be judged on their own person, not their ancestry.”  
It makes sense, in a way, for Keith to feel that way. It still surprises Shiro with how sensible of an answer it is. He puts his hand on Keith's shoulder and smiles to show how proud he is of him for it. Keith smiles back, just a little.

\------------

They are laying low to not risk any harm to him or mostly Keith right now. No one says that's the reason because Keith wouldn't allow it, but they all know that's it.  
Keith have already tried to start working out again, though his legs and arms are badly shaking at the effort. Shiro tries to tell him not to overwork himself and take it slow, but Keith doesn't listen. He hates how he looks and how he feels, and Shiro can't blame him. His body was changed without his consent until it could barely be considered his own anymore. He knew how that felt to a degree.

He is also keeping up with his old training regime, out of habit and out of haunted dreams. The other residents of the castle sometimes join him in sparring, but he prefers to be alone. Sometimes when something comes at him a little too quickly from the corner of his eyes he can't stop the way his heart jumps to his throat and he instinctually goes back to _maim break survive_. There have been too many close calls.

Keith doesn't want to have sex anymore (which is a relief because there is nothing further from his mind). Shiro don't know if it's the dysphoria, the pregnancy hormones or the memories from the galra captivity. He don't know all that happened to Keith, and neither it seems does Keith. He admits to having been drugged so often he seemed to have gone weeks and months with no memories. Sometimes things come back to him at unsuspecting times, and he'll start shaking and crying. Shiro comforts him as best as he can, but any touch at these times makes it worse. All he is left to do is make sure Keith is being safe.

He tries not to think about Lance. Sometimes it's almost too easy, when they are all together laughing and joking and being silly. Sometimes it's hard, like when the laughter stops and silence take it's place where before there would be another joke to prolong it. The guilt eats at him then. Keith doesn't seem to notice or he just don't mind, but the rest seems a little bit unsettled in those moments too. He is glad that Keith, even though he still have nothing good to say about Lance if he tries to talk to him about it, didn't tell the rest what happened before they got captured. Shiro doesn't want Lance to be remembered as a traitor and have the fears that gave the galra control over him come true. (Keith doesn't want the team to get upset.)

\------------

“Do you want to know what happened?” Keith is sitting cross legged on the floor as Shiro is pulling the sheets of their bed, throwing them aside to put on fresh ones. Keith had been messing around with his knife in silence for a while, and Shiro have no idea what he is referring to. It felt like an odd moment to bring up a sensitive subject.  
“When?”  
“In the video?”  
“ _No_.” Shiro frowns and turns back to the bed. He tries very hard not to think about that video's existence in the castles hard drive somewhere (or Keith's smile as he had seen it).  
“Yeah? Because it was pretty bloody.” Keith teases. Shiro doesn't even dignify that with a response, just keep making the bed. He don't know why Keith seems to think he would find Lance's execution funny. It's bizzare that Keith does.  
For a minute or two, they sit in silence as Keith is lost in thought again.  
“Have you ever seen someone get their throat fucked?” Keith snorts, like it's a joke he is telling, and Shiro chokes on his own spit. He don't know what Keith is on about now, but he doesn't like Keith's tone while talking about it. “I'm not talking while giving head. I mean literally their cut off throat being used as a bloody fleshlight.”  
Shiro twist around, wide eyed, tries to find a sign in his face that Keith is joking, that he isn't still alluding to the video. There is a faint smile playing on his lips (he've seen that smile before), but it only works in making Shiro feel even more horrified. Keith is not much more than mumbling and his eyes are unfocuzed. He is far away in mind. He is ice cold.  
“I only wish they had dragged it out for longer.”  
Shiro dries his eyes with the pillow in his hands before they can overflow. His hands are trembling, but his body feels too tense.

“I wanna break up.” Keith startles, snapped back to reality and looking panicked suddenly.  
“What?”  
“I can't do this. I'm sorry.” He moves towards the door, Keith clumsily standing up to stop him. He reaches out his hand towards him, but grasp nothing but air. He sounds terrified.  
“Shiro, wait-!” He doesn't wait. Again, he just runs.

\----------------------------------

The days following is awkward. He doesn't mention what happened to any of the others, and he very much doubt Keith did, so they are left to fit the pieces together by themselves. He knows he is avoiding Keith. Not enough to disturb the peace or be obvious, but enough to make Keith send him hurt looks from across the room.  
He know he is being childish, but somehow that night had made all the difference and he couldn't play the game anymore. He loved Keith, but not the way he should. Being stuck on someone that would never like you back was a cruel way to live and he had been such a hypocrite all along.

Coran tries to talk to him, then Allura, but he ignores them too. He wishes Lance had been here to diffuse the tension and have them remember that they were all still family and that's all that matters, so he could get a moment to breathe. But Lance will never be back again, because Lance is dead and his body cut apart and desecrated. He is getting cold sweats and it's hard to pretend to be okay anymore. He don't know how he'd react if he met with a galra now, if he'd be thrown into rage or hopeless despair. He had never realized before how much he connected Lance with hope of going home one day. How he had always pictured introducing Lance to his parents, maybe not as a partner but at least as someone important, and his mother squeezing Lance's cheeks fondly and telling him he was a pretty one. Of physically kicking Iverson's ass from the Garrison for all the things Lance had told him and all the things he had been wrong about. Of taking Lance to the stone beaches of his hometown and seeing the white ones Lance always talked about, just sharing the feeling of being born by the sea. Of meeting Lance's family, his siblings, and teasing him endlessly about how much they looked alike despite Lance denying it every time. Of taking Lance to his favourite ice cream parlour to test his favourite odd flavours, despite Lance always claiming they all sounded terrible (he'd eat them anyway).

There was a million things he had imagined he'd maybe get to do one day.  
But Lance was never coming back.

\----------------------------------

No longer his boyfriend, no one comes to tell him that Keith went into labour until the morning as they meet for breakfast. Only Coran seems to have known about it and Matt is missing, probably having been the ones to help him get to the hospital. Shiro doesn't doubt Keith would have tried to take a pod and fly there himself rather than ask, had they not been watching over him like hawks lately. He's very glad they did. A week ago they had settled with the castle on a allied planet and informed the locals of their situation, to make sure they would be someone qualified to help them if there were a need for it. The aliens there are bipedals and mammals, although the similarities between their species seem to stop there. Shiro hopes it's enough to ensure Keith will be safe in their hands.

The baby seems to have inherited it's fathers impatience, since it decides it should get out almost three weeks before the castle's medical scanner had claimed would be the right time and the delivery hadn't even taken four hours. Everyone decides they are going to Keith as soon as they're done with breakfast and dressed. Shiro, having already been dressed when he arrived to eat, takes the chance to speak to Coran about it.  
“How is he?” It's a bit blunt, maybe, but Coran turn and smiles at him anyway.  
“Oh just fine, only a little tired last I heard. A little nourishment and he'll be back in tip top shape in no time!”  
It's a relief and he breathes out a breath he had no idea he had been holding. He won't relax properly before he actually have Keith in front of him to confirm it for himself, but for now it's good to have just a little reassurance.  
“How is...” He stops himself and anxiously scratch his neck, not really sure how to put it. Coran seems to understand anyway, observing him with soft eyes.  
“The child appeared entirely healthy last I heard. It was taken to a special wing for infants to get checked out and fed, I believe.”  
“I see. Thank you, Coran.” Coran smiles fondly.  
“No problem, Shiro. I think he'll be glad to see you there for him.”  
Shiro swallows, but doesn't respond.

\----------------------------------

Instead of all of them going in to meet Keith at once, they wait for him to go first so they can have a private moment. It's a little awkward being singled out, especially since they broke up weeks ago. He opens the door as quietly as possible, not knowing in what shape Keith would be, but he is sitting up in the hospital bed looking more or less like normal if not a bit bored.  
“Hey.”  
“Shiro?” Keith sounds hopeful but a little disbelieving. Shiro nods, walking closer.  
“How are you?”  
“Better than I expected. The horror stories from Earth about giving birth really made this a little anticlimatic. Turns out shapeshifting Galra-Altean bodies adapt a lot easier to having their hipbones forced apart, who would have guessed. ” Shiro lets out a surprised chuckle, sitting down on the bed. He is so reliefed Keith is okay. Keith looks unsure, and he realize he might be overstepping a boundary in their still open wound of past-relationship interactions when he sat down so close. He swallows, tries to pretend like everything is normal, and Keith seems to relax slightly again.  
“How do you feel about... Everything else?”  
Keith hesitates. There is so many things included in that question.  
“I... I guess I'm fine. I know I literally just gave birth, but it's like... I don't feel like it's mine. It never was. I didn't even look at it, just asked them to take it away.” Keith sounds hesitant and a bit sad, like he isn't sure these feelings should be what they are. “Is that odd? You always hear people talk about how you're supposed to look at your child and feel this powerful love, and I couldn't even stand to look at it. For most of my life I was angry at my parents for leaving me behind, and I couldn't even _stand to look at it_.” Keith starts wiping at his eyes, voice lower and more fragile sounding now. “Maybe I'm just too fucked up.” Awkwardness be damned, Shiro pulls him close and cradle him to his chest. Keith cries loudly in his arms with fingers clenched in the fabric of Shiro's shirt.  
“That's not it at all, Keith. It's this entire situation that is fucked up. You never meant to be here. If you ever wish to take the step, I know you would make a wonderful father. And one day you'll find someone to be with you along the way as you figure it out.” Keith sobs, sounding absolutely pityful.  
“But I want _you_ to be with me. W-why did you leave me, what did I do?” Shiro sighs, his heart breaking at the sight of Keith being so sad, wishing he could do something to stop it. But the one thing Keith wanted was not something Shiro could to give anymore.  
“You didn't do anything. I just couldn't keep on going like I had been.” Keith presses his face into Shiro's chest, tears wetting his shirt. His words are muddled and vague.  
“I love you so much.”  
“I'm sorry Keith.”

\------------

Everyone else goes into the room to check on Keith as soon he leaves, and he hears faint laughter as he walks away. He's glad these people are in Keith's life. A nurse is still outside, and she is happy to show him along the corridors of the hospital until they reach a room with a vector image of what Shiro can kind of make out to be an infant version of the aliens. He must wash his hands in a special cream before being allowed entry (he really hope it won't mess with the electronics), and he think they are probably still making some exceptions for a voltron paladin. Inside is warm, but not enough to be hot. There are rows of something that looks like incubators padded with soft blankets, some empty, some with colourful alien babies in them sleeping soundly. It makes him hesitate a little.

He never did have a lot of experience with children, and he isn't sure how well he's going to react now.

The midwife shows him to a cot in the back of the room and carefully pick up the baby. It's still sleeping after just having had a satisfying meal, wrapped in a soft white blanket. They hold it out for him to take, instructing him to help it carry the weight of it's head with one hand. It's so tiny in his arms, and he feels surprisingly humbled before this new life. He bring it close to his own body as he rocks it gently, it's little head leaned against his chest where it can hear his racing heartbeat. It's not purple or hairy like he'd expected. There is thick tufts of black hair on it's head and the skin is red, but less from the skin being coloured that way and more from the skin being oddly translucent. It's a darker colour than his own hand, as he hold it, but not in an inhuman shade. In fact, it looks... He dares say it looks almost exactly like a human newborn. The ears might be slightly pointier at the tips and he can hint a galran hairline. But if he hadn't known better, he wouldn't have noticed something different from the children he had seen back on earth.  
Suddenly it wrinkles it nose, mouth opening and tasting the fabric of Shiro's shirt. There is small gurgling sounds, and he realize the baby is awake just as it slowly blinks it's eyes open, staring innocently up at him with a dazed expression.  
Shiro's heart stops beating for a second.  
It's eyes are a familiar ocean blue.

 

“H-hey kid. Think you'll like blue cheese ice cream?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shiro gets a kid he's a real father now the end (#dadzoned)


End file.
